To me, bhakti started as a spontaneous flow towards Lord Sri Venkateswara in my early 20's, when I faced some undue fear and danger. It was persistent danger to my entire being (in Jyotish I underwent Atmakaraka dasha which is very tough), and my instincts naturally took me to Sri Venkateswara for Abhayam. This was the period when I used to wake up at 5 AM in the morning, bathe, and do puja to Sri Venkateswara, and to Sun god using flowers (archana) and then rush to college. I did this for a period of 2 1/2 yrs. During this period, I was rewarded with some wonderful dreams of Sri Balaji which greatly increased the firmness of my faith in him. In one dream for instance, (this was when I was unmarried), I was holding arms with another man and we were walking up along a narrow strip of a way amidst a giant ocean and when we reached the tip, we turned around to face a mountain-tall Sri Balaji at the horizon! I felt extremely blessed at this darshan of swami, but my trials still continued. Hence I too to mantra japa of Ashtakshari nama of Sri Vishnu constantly within my mind 24 * 7 each day for a period of 1 yr. And Lo! My troubles STOPPED one fine day when I met my hubby and he agreed to marry me!
Owing to some personal details that I do not wish to disclose, to me this marriage proposal came as a boon and I was firm in my conviction it was my devotion that yielded this favorable outcome when I most needed it.
After marriage, I was caught with career for 10 yrs. During this period my bhakti diminished.
But suddenly, over the last 5 yrs, I had some visions and some spiritual experience which sparked the divine in me which had become dormant. I woke up, thanking god for having sent me the visions, and have been faithfully practicing bhakti yoga by singing lord's name, reciting slokas, doing puja and bhajan each day for an hour. Some days, this seems like a chore than anything else. Some days I feel the peacefulness, the tranquility and the power of devotion so much that my heart fills with all the yearning for him and her that I go beyond and do much more than my regular routine. There are days that I skip my sadhana too. But these days, it has become a habit which for me will bring BOTH materialistic wishes as well as help me in my spiritual progress. And what are the materialistic wishes I yearn for from god? None of them are mine, I wish for my Schyzophrenic nephew, my other nephew who is between jobs, my mother, my sister, lastly my children. So if you see, I am doing this ultimately as a 'nishkamya karma', a desireless action for the welfare of others. There are many days I pray for total outsiders too, like my divorced friend going through a tough time. An year ago, I spent a week for her reciting 'Sundara Kanda'. I am doing all this, because out of these, I want Lord's mercy towards me, in helping me getting rid of impurities of my mind so that I can ascend spiritually. I do have hopes and wishes of materialistic kind for myself too, but those are not possible to be fulfilled in this birth, for I am aware of my own flaws. I have wish that I become a profoundly better person, and be in a position to serve people, in the coming births, and also alongside live a life that will satisfy my material wishes, and finally to reach the abode of god in some subsequent lifetime without further ado!
So to summarize - I want to get better in this lifetime first, get as much rid of my personality flaws as possible, get materialistically and spiritually an evolved soul in few subsequent births and finally attain moksha! And I want this for all my beloved ones. These are my goals for bhakti.
Sarvam Sri Krishnarpanamastu!
Bookmarks