Namaskar,
It was recently pointed out to me by a friend that I need to interact more. I tend to try and be reserved as much as possible for many reasons, but a key one is I worry how I will be perceived. My friend pointed out that ego is something I am working on recently and isn't it true that worrying how others will perceive me is still allowing my ego to get in my way? She kind of had me there...
So, I am going to try and interact more freely and not worry about it.
I don't talk about my own religious experiences much because A) I was raised that you don't, and B) I feel like it would be somehow rude or egotistic. Forgetting entirely that the only thing I can do is speak from my own experience. LOL But this is why my introduction post was so general, nothing I had to say was particularly new or unique, others have had many similar experiences to mine I know. However part of the reason I joined was not just to learn but to speak with others who might understand some of the things I am struggling with and get perspective, advice and maybe a little validation, as well as guidance as I learn.
I have never been an atheist, I always knew there was "something" out there and that I hadn't found it yet, even as much as I had wanted to and searched. But I never had a certainty or 'faith', per se, nor had I ever had any direct experiences of God. Guru and supernatural, yes, God no. Then, in a matter of a couple of months, my life was spun 180 degrees. This is the first thing I am wrestling with.
I went from , 'yeah sure there's... 'something' but your guess is as good as mine', to concrete certainty, not just in faith but in the expression of God that speaks to me, and I have experienced it directly. I have, for lack of a better word, Bhakti, for the first time. I have never wanted to go to a Church or Temple regularly before, now I am actively searching for one because I want to so badly. After a very bad medical situation as a young adult, I have never tried to be totally Vegetarian nor really desired to change completely, I enjoyed it. Since coming back from my trip in Sept, meat has held absolutely no appeal to me and it tastes unpleasant. I occasionally choke some down because of that medical thing, but I am in the process of seeking a nutritionist in the hopes that maybe I can try again, supervised, and maybe my epigenome has changed in some of it's expression, or something. Heck, so many other things have changed, why not? My daily routine has changed, without a whole lot of thought paid to it, and I am now trying to consciously alter it some more because I desire to in a way I never have cared to before.
What has happened to me? Where did all of this come from? I am not complaining, I am not unhappy - in fact, I am ecstatic - I don't dislike the change. But it is WAY out of left field, and I am left more than a little stunned when I stop and think about it. Sure I've studied religions in the search for my Personal God for as long as I can remember in this life, but I've looked at Hinduism before but I had only found information on sects that just didn't resonate with me, and I had never run into Saivism before. Maybe I never really thought I would find what I was looking for, or would get a response. But wow, what a response! Everything has changed, for the better, but I'm still not sure what it all means... or if having a meaning even matters.
The other thing I am struggling with is Coincidence. Sure, I believe there is such a thing as coincidence. But there comes a point when one coincidence leads to another, and another, and then the next and so on... The odds of the whole string of them happening in that order in that way... there has to come a point when this is no longer Coincidence but is a message. I am starting to see these as signs that I am on the correct path and maybe the occasional signpost of the next step or turn in the road.
Is this common? Do others experience this? Am I reading into things? Certainly I don't remember ever having such a string of coincidences over such a long span of time before...
Thank you for your indulgence.
Pranams
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