All Apologies

[Webimpulse]

Namaste HDF,

I need some philosophical guidance on a personality quirk of mine. I tend to apologize...a lot. Far more than necessary. This is because I often feel I have done something wrong, in terms of interacting with people. As a result people sometimes get annoyed at my apologising! That is how often I apologize.

To avoid this phenomenon, I need some help on figuring out when to apologize, and when not to. Does Hinduism say anything specific about apologies? Any guidance would be good - I don't want my apologies to lose their meaning.

[saswathy]

Dear friend,
Sanathana dharma always preaches that we should apologise when we hurt others . If the party is younger to us we should apologise to parameshwara in his name , if the others are elders we should tender an apology to them directly.But the apology should come from heart and not a mere gesture of good manners.

[devotee]

Namaste Webimpulse,

I need some philosophical guidance on a personality quirk of mine. I tend to apologize...a lot. Far more than necessary. This is because I often feel I have done something wrong, in terms of interacting with people. As a result people sometimes get annoyed at my apologising! That is how often I apologize.

To avoid this phenomenon, I need some help on figuring out when to apologize, and when not to. Does Hinduism say anything specific about apologies? Any guidance would be good - I don't want my apologies to lose their meaning.

I don't think it is a mater related with any specific religion or faith but it is more of a psychological issue. I would advise :

a) You should apologise when people give an impression by their word or action that you hurt them intentionally or unintentionally. If someone has felt bad due to my behaviour, I should apologise.

You say that you do it a lot more than necessary to the extent that they become annoyed. It says two things :

1) You are sensitive to people's feelings which is a very positive trait. So, be assured that you are unlikely to hurt anyone so often and yet you apologise too often.

2) You are aware that you are doing it more than it is required in normal course and you also know that sometimes people get annoyed by your too much apologising. This again is a positive trait as you know that there is something wrong and you are seeking a remedy to correct that.

My dear friend, there are not many people in this world who are so much bothered about what the world feels about them or their behaviour and even if they hurt someone, there are not many who feel sorry for that. So, you are not a common phenomenon and you are precious. However, in spite of this, there is something which needs to be corrected as you are not very comfortable with the current situation and may be some other people too are not. So, you need a remedy and I would advise this :

a) If you feel that you have hurt someone with your behaviour or if someone has expressed that he/she has been hurt by your behaviour, you must maintain your current practice : Please apologize. However, an apology should be genuine and yet should not be demeaning to you i.e. you should apologise but still maintain your dignity. Do not do anything which apparently lowers your dignity. You are human and therefore, you are entitled to make some mistakes of your share. There is no one on this earth who doesn't make a mistake. If you have made a mistake then it doesn't mean that you have become a sub-human.

So, it is absolutely perfect to say "Sorry" for your mistakes but there is no need to demean yourself for that. It is all in your mind.

b) Sometimes your apology may bring in uncalled for annoyance from people to whom the apology has been tendered. This can be because of these reasons :

a) People might think that you were not serious when you said sorry.

c) You are saying "sorry" and yet repeating the same mistake again and again. That shows that you are not trying to be careful in spite of saying "sorry" and that shows that your apology was not sincere.

d) Some people may be simply biased against you and might think that they are superior to you for their own imagined reasons. In such cases too, such people would scoff at your apology. There is no need to get disturbed over behaviour of such people. These people are not human and therefore, there is no need to lose your sleep over what they think about you or your behaviour. May be, sometime, you need to tell them sternly what you feel about their biased behaviour.

e) Some people who care for you may get irritated if you keep on maintaining your casual behaviour and making same mistakes again and again and they may get angry even when you apologize. These people wish you good but they are unable to express it properly which is not doing any good to you. You may very sensitively tell these people that you are trying your best and by such behaviour they actually demean your status in your own eyes and that is doing no good to you.

So, you must keep assuring yourself that everything is in control and normal. It is quite normal to commit mistakes and apologize. There is absolutely nothing wrong and there is no need to keep evaluating yourself for 'improving yourself" in the eyes of the world. There is no need really, as you are already so sensitive to the world and there is no need to improve further.

OM

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam: There is a second aspect to an apology, and that's a renewed commitment or promise to not let it happen again. An apology is futile unless accompanied by this.

I learned while teaching to remind students who had done something wrong, because some of them had the idea that they could do whatever they wanted, just so log as they said, 'I'm sorry' afterwards.

Another optional component is to give your self a bit of penance, like skipping a meal.

Yet another thing is to do something nice for the person to make up for it, to balance it out.

Aum Namasivaya

[satay]

namaste,

Again, this type of information is too personal and specific which all members are required to limit releasing on HDF.

You must really go see a specialist even though you have gotten great advice here from devotee and eastern.

Thanks,

Namaste HDF,

I need some philosophical guidance on a personality quirk of mine. I tend to apologize...a lot. Far more than necessary. This is because I often feel I have done something wrong, in terms of interacting with people. As a result people sometimes get annoyed at my apologising! That is how often I apologize.

To avoid this phenomenon, I need some help on figuring out when to apologize, and when not to. Does Hinduism say anything specific about apologies? Any guidance would be good - I don't want my apologies to lose their meaning.