Hello all!

My name is Stephanie. My ID is deafAncient because I grew up oral-deaf (speaking and lip-reading as my main method of communication as opposed to sign language, though I can sign when the opportunity arises), so I am deaf instead of Deaf (the big D means being culturally deaf). The Ancient part is interesting. Because I wasn't discovered to be deaf until I was seven and a half years old (I'm 48, so things like this did happen rarely), I couldn't use my primary language at a very basic level until I was a year older. I lived as a child of tens of thousands of years ago, save for the technology available in my childhood, before there was language, knowledge, or tools for that matter, maybe just before the time when there was enough awareness to begin to convey spiritual experiences on cave walls. It was at this time that I first heard about religion from my Polish-Catholic nanny, who was an older woman with the first two of five children already adults and living on their own. This encounter was about my cursing when I got mad about something. When she explained to me about Jesus, a wall went up immediately. It was like I knew there was something wrong, and I could feel it. The Ancient means that I lived with very low language skills and no exposure to religion and understanding of social skills until that time. I can still remember clearly what it was like. I have resisted attempts at proselytization from AND assimilation into various faiths. The Self is just too strong. Maybe I have not found the right match for what is already inside me, or maybe there isn't one, and I'm too far removed from a civilized mind?

I do feel there is something going on here. I'm not sure that I can describe what it is that I experience, except perhaps from a Samkhya perspective(?). It's language-less, as it formed while I was still in the Deaf Years prior to the discovery, so it is formless without a name. This gives me pause when I think about image worship, such as worshipping say Ganesha. I can't see the difference between worshipping Jesus and Ganesha. Maybe there's something I'm not understanding.

I've always been fascinated with India and feel like there is some attachment there. There are things I do to help me connect with that and stay there for hours at a time. I browse for photos of Hindu holidays, mandirs, India in general, or even the middle east to use in online jigsaw puzzles, I have tried to learn more Hindi from time to time, and now, I'm trying to learn Sanskrit. I'm trying to find ways of learning Sanaatana Dharma on the traditional path instead of the westernized, neo-Hindu path as many not-born-Hindus do, because I do not understand Christianity very well, having little exposure to it, and yet red flags keep coming up. I'm reading a book of Rajiv Malhotra, "Invading the Sacred." A very crucial book to read, as I feel like I am a minority person in my own way.

I have been vegetarian for 20 years, vegan for 15 years out of those 20 years (this time, a little over 10 years). I first did this out of health reasons, as I was originally coming from a Natural Hygiene perspective, and shortly after that, I went to animals rights and years of realizing what I had done from eating animals (and killing them myself as a hunter). I was haunted by that for decades until I realized that I needed to see them with my third eye(?), acknowledge that I took away their lives and them away from their family, mates, and friends and apologize, let them approach me in the field, give them a hug, every single one of them, and they would walk away over to the edge of the horizon where they disappeared. Rarely now, I get these encounters in my mind. I feel personally responsible for it and must pay for it not just during the times of realization of this horror, but perhaps in a future life(s).

I will admit as a result of the Deaf Years, I don't form long-term intimate relationships, because I am simply too different for people. It takes a special person to really see me and realize what I live with. Often times, I don't talk very much, or if I do, it's about serious topics, like the bees dying off (I'm a volunteer farm hand on an organic produce farm near the coast in Texas), how farming is done commercially, the way westerners see money as opposed to easterners, and so on. I just don't do small talk well at all. I feel I connect more with animals than I do people.

How may I proceed in this direction as someone without a religion or a faith foundation, as opposed to someone wanting to convert from Christianity or some other religion? My concern is that I am so "undifferentiated," I'm not sure where to begin. As I mentioned, I have looked at Samkhya... And I went to a Mandir in southwest Houston, Texas (BAPS) a year ago, searching for answers, but the person whom I talked to apparently never did pass my information on to someone who could help me.

Edit: the above was written last night in preparation for my membership approval. Now that I'm home from being in Houston for a hearing aid appointment, I can add that I went to BAPS again, and I had to leave them my contact information, so hopefully, someone there will contact me this time. I was directed to Sargeant's copy of the Bhavagad Geetaa, which I downloaded on my phone today while I was still in Houston.

Dhanyavaad...
Stephanie